War of the Hometowns: NYC vs. NJ vs. Philly

We all have battles to fight, both with ourselves, and with others. Some take pride in defending their favorite sports team, while others embrace defending their hometown in what I like to call "War of the Hometowns."

It all starts during your freshman year in college. You finally leave home and bid good riddance to the place you've probably spent a vast majority of your life. Meeting new people is certainly difficult in a place where you don't know anybody. Yet, once you finally break the ice, someone goes off on how much better their hometown is then yours. Suddenly, your eye starts to tick and you have never felt so offended in your life. Lashing back in rebuttal at your attacker, you respond by exclaiming either a negative quality about their place of kin, or a positive quality about yours. These heated debates sometimes last for long periods of time, yet the outcome always ends in the same place: nowhere.

The three typical contenders are New York City, New Jersey, and Philadelphia. The only rule of warfare states that all opinions must be backed by facts.

New York City
(+) Out of all of the thousands of cities in the world, this one has come to be known as "The City," essentially suggesting that it is the 'epitome of cities.' In addition, it is said that this 'epitome of cities' also has somewhat of a sleeping problem. NYC has the Yankees, countless shops, restaurants, clubs, bars, flashing lights, Wall Street, the Statue of Liberty, Little Italy, and the ever-tempting, and always shady, bootleg-DVD sidewalk sales.

(-) Before taking a trip to "the City," I always come prepared with a chainsaw and a band-aid so that I can chop off a limb and pawn it, just in case I'm desperate enough to purchase a pack of cigarettes. Come to think of it, everything in New York City is obnoxiously overpriced (plus 7.5% sales tax). Moving past the financial atrocity, half of the times I have visited New York City have ended with me acquiring a splitting headache. My best guess as to why would have to be the flashing billboards offending my eyes, combined with the steamed sewage rising from the street, as well as the ever-present stress that I'm going to be stabbed. Oh, and the next time a homeless person trys to induce me to give him money by showing me how much he can piss his pants, I swear I'll stop drinking. Scouts honor.

Philadelphia
( + ) Three assets: T.O., the Roots, and cheesesteaks. That's it.

( - ) There was a movie called "Philadelphia." In this movie, Tom Hanks gets aids, gets discriminated against, gets fired, and then dies. The movie, much like its title, is pretty sad. In addition, Philly is also home to the historical Liberty Bell. The bell, much like the city, doesn't really work due to the crack problem.

New Jersey
( + ) It took me until college to sit back and realize that I'm one of the few people able to wake up in the morning, drive five minutes, and plop my ass right on the beach. After relaxing for a couple of hours, I hop back in my car and go to the gas station. I'm usually hot from basting in the sun all day, but luckily I don't have to get out of my air conditioned car and deal with the whole 'pumping my own gas process.' From there, I may go to one of the bajillion 24-hour diners which New Jersey is famous for and sit in the [nearly obsolete] smoking section. Ahh, New Jersey, gotta love it. Just like Bruce Springsteen said, "...down the shore, everything's alright."

( - ) People call it the "Armpit of America," due to the aroma of low tide that blankets the Garden State Parkway. In addition, driving in New Jersey sucks. Apparently the state is quite popular to outsiders, causing the roadways to be backed up often. This leads to the problem of overpopulation. New Jersey's appeal has caused many New York City residents to purchase grand estates in the north, as well as suburban Philadelphia residents to invade the beach towns in the south. Most degrading of all, New Jersey is home to the city of Camden, 2005's most dangerous city in America.

Conclusion: To be quite honest, this examination of the "War of the Hometowns" is completely bias. Being a resident of New Jersey for twenty-two years, I have come to realize that while all of these places have their pro's and con's, it is extremely ignorant and juvenile to argue over which one's better. Who the hell gives a shit? After living in New Jersey all of my life, obviously I'm going to favor it over the other two.

New York City, while spectacular and glamorous in its appearance, only appeals to me on a "day trip" level. I would never live there and I seriously feel sorry for the people who do. Philadelphia, in my opinion, still needs a lot of work. It's a fun city with plenty of good bars and nightclubs, but honestly, step down Philly, you're no Big Apple. New Jersey is an entire state, as opposed to one city. I drive an hour to get to New York City and an hour to get to Philadelphia. This is what we like to call a 'happy medium.' If I wanted to spend four dollars on a cup of coffee everyday, I'd move to New York City. If I wanted to sit around wishing I was living somewhere else, I'd move to Philadelphia. New Jersey is pleasant, upbeat, and probably the coolest place in the whole world. I could easily live there for the rest of my life.

As I said, the numerous battles of this "War of the Hometowns" always bring the delegated defenders to the same, unfortunate place: nowhere. I accept this in my written effort to defend my home, but to whatever force is out there keeping score, +1 for NJ.