McDonald's vs. Burger King

You want to know what really sucks, the fact that the tastiest food in the world is also one of the worst things you can put into your body. I have a friend who used to be a vegan, which is basically a hardcore vegetarian. She wouldn't wear rubber-soled shoes and used to send me links to grotesque pictures, KentuckyFriedCruelty.com for example. It made me bitch slap her silly because she stole my blissful ignorance of the true physical (and chemical for that matter) makeup of McDonald's and Burger King products.

McDonald's
"Billions and billions served," is what it says below the golden arches outside of every McDonald's across the globe. Too bad that when they get to "trillions and trillions served," they're not even going to know about it because they got all lazy and just stopped counting. Also, now that I think about it, the McGriddles are highly underrated. There's nothing like an all-nighter, followed by McDonald's breakfast at 5am, lemme tell ya. In the clutch, the dollar menu always comes through solid. Finally, the best part of "Mickey D's" has got to be the Playplace. Seriously, go to McDonald's one day and eat inside. Then, take your shoes off and go fool around in the Playplace. So what if you're in your twenties; I'm sure you've done stupider shit by now.

Burger King
Home of the "flame-broiled" Whopper. They clearly advertise themselves as being healthier then their competitors, which largely helps the fight against America's obesity epidemic (hypothetically). With regards to the taste, I must say that I am a huge fan of the chicken tender value meal. Unfortunately, the new chicken fries are total crap. In addition, the marketing department must have been on drugs when they approved the return of "The King." The commercial preaches to "wake up with the King." All I know is that if I ever wake up, open my blinds, and see the King standing outside my window holding, what he appears to consider, some sort of sacred breakfast sandwich, I'll probably immediately experience a pretty decent heart attack.

Conclusion
When push comes to shove, everyone knows that Satan is obviously the true mastermind behind the invention of fast food. Think about it. A chicken nugget is the result of grinding up one of many mass produced and malnourished chickens. Not only that, but the toy you get in a typical kids meal is more likely then not made by a seven year-old living oversees, with an average production cost of about damn near next to nothing. Secretly, Ronald McDonald is actually a member of the Insane Clown Posse; the Ham Burglar was the actor who played "Wilson" on ABC's Home Improvement; and the King was apparently in over 200 pornographic films throughout the 1970's.

In the end, the main variable in the equation for deciding which brand is better is obviously the taste quality. Maybe its the whole "flame broiled" thing, but I never crave Burger King. McDonald's on the other hand just has something about it. This is because McDonald's hides all of it's scandals, lies, and exploitations with one controlling substance more powerful than any other drug in the world. I'm talking about the secret sauce. The secret sauce is probably mass produced in an underground lair by a highly specialized team of witches, wizards, and Emeril Lagasse (just to take things up a notch).

At this time, I would like to observe a moment of silence in remembrance of not only the Arch Deluxe, but also the McRib. My next supersized value meal goes out to you. I'm lovin' it.