War of the Hometowns: NYC vs. NJ vs. Philly

We all have battles to fight, both with ourselves, and with others. Some take pride in defending their favorite sports team, while others embrace defending their hometown in what I like to call "War of the Hometowns."

It all starts during your freshman year in college. You finally leave home and bid good riddance to the place you've probably spent a vast majority of your life. Meeting new people is certainly difficult in a place where you don't know anybody. Yet, once you finally break the ice, someone goes off on how much better their hometown is then yours. Suddenly, your eye starts to tick and you have never felt so offended in your life. Lashing back in rebuttal at your attacker, you respond by exclaiming either a negative quality about their place of kin, or a positive quality about yours. These heated debates sometimes last for long periods of time, yet the outcome always ends in the same place: nowhere.

The three typical contenders are New York City, New Jersey, and Philadelphia. The only rule of warfare states that all opinions must be backed by facts.

New York City
(+) Out of all of the thousands of cities in the world, this one has come to be known as "The City," essentially suggesting that it is the 'epitome of cities.' In addition, it is said that this 'epitome of cities' also has somewhat of a sleeping problem. NYC has the Yankees, countless shops, restaurants, clubs, bars, flashing lights, Wall Street, the Statue of Liberty, Little Italy, and the ever-tempting, and always shady, bootleg-DVD sidewalk sales.

(-) Before taking a trip to "the City," I always come prepared with a chainsaw and a band-aid so that I can chop off a limb and pawn it, just in case I'm desperate enough to purchase a pack of cigarettes. Come to think of it, everything in New York City is obnoxiously overpriced (plus 7.5% sales tax). Moving past the financial atrocity, half of the times I have visited New York City have ended with me acquiring a splitting headache. My best guess as to why would have to be the flashing billboards offending my eyes, combined with the steamed sewage rising from the street, as well as the ever-present stress that I'm going to be stabbed. Oh, and the next time a homeless person trys to induce me to give him money by showing me how much he can piss his pants, I swear I'll stop drinking. Scouts honor.

Philadelphia
( + ) Three assets: T.O., the Roots, and cheesesteaks. That's it.

( - ) There was a movie called "Philadelphia." In this movie, Tom Hanks gets aids, gets discriminated against, gets fired, and then dies. The movie, much like its title, is pretty sad. In addition, Philly is also home to the historical Liberty Bell. The bell, much like the city, doesn't really work due to the crack problem.

New Jersey
( + ) It took me until college to sit back and realize that I'm one of the few people able to wake up in the morning, drive five minutes, and plop my ass right on the beach. After relaxing for a couple of hours, I hop back in my car and go to the gas station. I'm usually hot from basting in the sun all day, but luckily I don't have to get out of my air conditioned car and deal with the whole 'pumping my own gas process.' From there, I may go to one of the bajillion 24-hour diners which New Jersey is famous for and sit in the [nearly obsolete] smoking section. Ahh, New Jersey, gotta love it. Just like Bruce Springsteen said, "...down the shore, everything's alright."

( - ) People call it the "Armpit of America," due to the aroma of low tide that blankets the Garden State Parkway. In addition, driving in New Jersey sucks. Apparently the state is quite popular to outsiders, causing the roadways to be backed up often. This leads to the problem of overpopulation. New Jersey's appeal has caused many New York City residents to purchase grand estates in the north, as well as suburban Philadelphia residents to invade the beach towns in the south. Most degrading of all, New Jersey is home to the city of Camden, 2005's most dangerous city in America.

Conclusion: To be quite honest, this examination of the "War of the Hometowns" is completely bias. Being a resident of New Jersey for twenty-two years, I have come to realize that while all of these places have their pro's and con's, it is extremely ignorant and juvenile to argue over which one's better. Who the hell gives a shit? After living in New Jersey all of my life, obviously I'm going to favor it over the other two.

New York City, while spectacular and glamorous in its appearance, only appeals to me on a "day trip" level. I would never live there and I seriously feel sorry for the people who do. Philadelphia, in my opinion, still needs a lot of work. It's a fun city with plenty of good bars and nightclubs, but honestly, step down Philly, you're no Big Apple. New Jersey is an entire state, as opposed to one city. I drive an hour to get to New York City and an hour to get to Philadelphia. This is what we like to call a 'happy medium.' If I wanted to spend four dollars on a cup of coffee everyday, I'd move to New York City. If I wanted to sit around wishing I was living somewhere else, I'd move to Philadelphia. New Jersey is pleasant, upbeat, and probably the coolest place in the whole world. I could easily live there for the rest of my life.

As I said, the numerous battles of this "War of the Hometowns" always bring the delegated defenders to the same, unfortunate place: nowhere. I accept this in my written effort to defend my home, but to whatever force is out there keeping score, +1 for NJ.

Hurricane Katrina vs. the Attack on 9/11

I thought it would have been appropriate to write this post ON 9/11/06, but thanks to procrastination I have unfortunatly chimed in a couple of hours too late. My bad. After seeing past my prototypical "college student" behavior, I question which event is considered to be worse in the eyes of our peers: Hurricane Katrina or the Attack on 9/11...

Hurricane Katrina: I always wanted to go to New Orleans and celebrate Mardi Gras, but now I can't. So thanks for that. Yea, sure it'll be rebuilt, but odds are it won't be the same. Also, thanks a million for conicidentally causing gas prices to rise, in some places, to well over $3 a gallon. Finally, good job killing an estimated multiple thousands of people. You, Ms. Katrina, are a ruthless bitch...and you smell too.

The Attack on 9/11: Whats with all the drama? Hijacked planes crash into two of the worlds tallest buildings causing them to blow up and inevitably collapse, resulting in the deaths of thousands, as well as widespread panic across the entire United States. Someone get Steven Spielberg on the phone, pronto.

Conclusion: This is a tough one. Basically, both can obviously be considered a calamity by all of mankind, unless you're a little tweaked in the head of course. Death and destruction are always percieved as events of tragic proportions, whether occuring over a massive population or on a personal level.

Honorably disregarding the casualty and destructive heights of each catastrophy, one must consider more so the reasons of why these events happened. Katrina was a hurricane; a massive, unstoppable force of nature. Unfortunatly, there's one terrorist that is easy to predict, yet impossible to find: Mother Nature.

Moving away from our supernatural enemies, the events of 9/11 are a result of people killing people. Call me crazy, but we, as a human beings, should have the common sense to know that you don't go around crashing planes into buildings and killing people. This type of behavior usually tends to piss a lot of people off.

In conclusion, both caused death, both caused destruction, but one was much easier to prevent. The Attack on 9/11 was completly out of line and totally unacceptable. Those who condone, promote, or engage in the crashing of planes into buildings, causing the death of thousands and widespread panic, should clearly be ashamed of themselves.

Senior Year: High School vs. College

At the beginning of this, my final year of institutionalized education, it dawned on me that being a Senior in College is a far cry from being a Senior in High School...

College: Twenty-one: the blackjack of all birthdays. Suddenly you're allowed to go to bars and purchase alcohol and out of nowhere, you promptly become "the shit." Your knowledge of drinks makes you want to try them all. Some you like, some you hate. On the downside, you're constantly going on beer runs for minors and messing your car up with kegs bouncing all over the trunk. All in all, though, the sheer privilege of being twenty-one is a serious plus to being a senior in college.

But (there’s always a "but"), the obvious downfall to being a senior in college centers around the perpetual fear that this is it. Time for the real world. While some are lucky enough to push out another year, I unfortunately cannot. I even tried to do the whole "double-major thing," but my mom didn't buy it (literally, as in she wouldn't pay for another year for it). Internships and interviews; I guess you can call them the two "inters." Yet, in the end, I look past the real world and realize that the beginning of my story titled "College" would go a little something like, 'Once upon a time I went to college and had the sickest time ever...'

High School: The time in all of our lives when it starts to become an absolute necessity to get drunk in order to have a good time. Overall, senior year of high school marks the peak of our inner-adolescent rebellion. Drinking beers and going to parties "with the parents home" was the fun thing to do. The habitual cutting class was totally worth the risk as well. Major events like prom and losing your "V-Card" are considered to be synonymous with the term 'lasting memory.'

Though, one annoying result of high school is the "stop and chat." Coined by Seinfeld writer Larry David, the stop and chat refers to the awkward 'shooting-of-the-shit' with seemingly hundreds of people who you'd rather just avoid conversation with in order to save time in your day. Face it...deep down inside you really do not give a shit if they are having a good time at college, and odds are, the feeling is mutual.

Conclusion: The truth is that I am, in fact, sentimental when it comes to high school. My senior yearbook is currently sitting right on my shelf...that’s right, I said it. Although, on top of the yearbook rests a six pack of beer, sogging up the pages. This brings me to my current opinion that the past three years of college have been, in the realest sense, far more exhilarating then the memorable, yet ultimately lame, rituals of senior year of high school. We're on the second week of senior year so far and judging by past experiences, odds point to a just-as-good, if not better, year then the first three (of college).

Cheers to Senior Year of College, and for God's sake savor the flavor... because word on the street is that life after graduation is a bitch-and-a-half, kids.