The Author vs. the 6 Billion Others

If you have read any of my articles in this blog, you have probably been able to gather a few tid-bits of information about the type of person I am. Some may say that my eyes are as brown as they are becuase I am truly full of shit. In contrast, some may buy me a bag of Ruffles to carry around because they see me as "all that, and a bag of potato chips," ...whatever the hell that phrase is trying to imply.

While you may view this article as self-centered around the author, try to think of it as a mini-autobiography. Rappers take advantage of the "mini-autobiography" in just about every rhyme they 'spit,' and everyone sings along with them. So for now, I cordially invite you to come sing along with me.

The Author
( + ) I pride myself on my animated sense of humor. My ultimate dream is to one day become a successful stand-up comedian. But, odds are I'll end up settling for some desk job and still be the guy who does "the best impersonation of Mr. So-and-so."

( - ) Procrastination is my biggest problem. "If it doesn't have to be done today, do it tomorrow," is my motto. While this indulgence of the moment has proven to be worth it at the time, I have never seemed to learn my lesson, even after screwing myself over time and time again.

Enough about me...

Conclusion
If I were to analyze the other half of this argument, I'd be here forever. Six-billion others is a lot of people. That's twelve-billion eyes, twenty-four billion limbs, and sixty-billion fingers (I figured that one out all by myself). When all is said and done, the person who ignores the destructive criticisms and considers the constructive input of those six-billion mouths will ultimately reach his/her goal. In addition, being 'pissed off' is always much better then being 'pissed on.' That is, unless you are pissed off becuase you were just pissed on...

Thankfully, I have succeded in smoothly overcoming many personal challenges in my life. I have trained myself to ignore what people think about me. Brandon Boyd, lead singer of Incubus, preaches to his listeners, "don't let the world bring you down," in his song, The Warmth. A long time ago, I labeled this song as "my jam" because at a certain point in my life, the world had let me down in the form of ignorance. Ever since taking Mr. Boyd's advice, I have come to realize that everyone (including myself) in some way, shape, or form, is ignorant to the paths traveled by others.

Take it from me, advice is cheap. With that said, consider this one on the house: if you're ever feeling insignificant, depressed, or defeated, just remember that you were once the fastest, most dedicated, and victorious sperm out of hundreds of millions. I think that 'favorite quotes' are stupid, but this one always seems to genuinely make me feel like a winner, sarcasticly speaking.

Eventually, when all is said and done, no one person should ever be deemed "better" than anyone else. We all have the same potential for personal satisfaction; the hardest obstacle is figuring out how to harness that potential. Competition could be considered a measure of who is better than the other, but as you can see, many non-physical battles are purely judged by the subjective views of six-billion others.

In the end, the most difficult battle one will ever experience is the battle they have with themself. Remember, let's make it a clean fight: no kicking, no screaming, and let's try and keep the gloves up.

House Parties vs. The Bar Scene

After living 3 years in the college social scene, I have come to realize that the option to party is available on any given night of the week. For the four to eight years one may experience at college (I've seen it), the contrasting words "weekend" and "weekday" essentially go dormant because half of the people in college don't even know, let alone care about, which day of the week it is.

The true dilemma lies in not the company availability issue, but in the main setting destination of the night. While most minors are throwing house parties, "the 21-year-olds" usually end up indulging in the bar scene.

House Parties

( + ) Let all of your friends know that we're throwin' down at our spot tonight. Sweet, $3 for a beer buffet. That's better than any other deal in town, no doubt. Mutual friends having casual conversation. For the people who live at the house, you're proud to be known as the guy who threw that "sick" party.

( - ) Where do I begin? You start the night off on a high note by fucking up your trunk with two kegs of shitty beer. Then, a bunch of people roll up to your place of residence and proceed to bitch and moan over paying for a cup. Then, these guests carry on by making a complete mess all over every room of the house, with the music blasting, until 5:00am on a Tuesday. The worst part, is no one ever wants to end the party, essentially earning the title of "that guy." One last thing...this whole new "No Tolerance" policy imposed by my college's town needs to SHUTTUP!

The Bar Scene

( + ) A smorgasboard of beers, wines and spirits to choose from with a trained professional to dispense them for you. You've got your goods, and you've got your services. Socially, everyone is dressed up 'with somewhere to go' and typically out with the same agenda as everyone else. That agenda entails two things: getting drunk and getting ass.

( - ) The biggest scam of all time is opening up a tab. Also, I love how the price of one shot of Jaeger is equal to one hour of minimum wage. I saw that same reference on a t-shirt one day and I totally concur. More annoying then an expensive bar is a crowded one. Once this happens, its like being on an elevator: standing shoulder to shoulder with a bunch of strangers and no access to a bartender.

Conclusion
I have thrown too many pregames, house parties, and late-night parties in my day to possibly be able to experience any sort of positive nostalgia for them in the future. Everything listed in the "house party" drawbacks has happen to me at some point.

Frugality never has, and never will be, a characteristic of my personality. When I go out to the bars, money suddenly turns into something of decreased value, and that's before I even walk in the place. Once I get a few drink in me, my "buy one get one free" disorder sets in. That's when for every drink I buy, a friend of mine gets one free. What can I say, I like taking care of people. Oh and top shelf only please, nobody likes a hangover.

Wishing champagne to my real friends, and real pain to my sham friends.

Hot vs. Cold

The stupidest thing that anyone could ever ask another human being is which they prefer: hot or cold? Look at the makers of IcyHot...they're professionals and not even they can figure it out. We, as human beings, are at a pleasant state of comfortability when our body temperature is at a solid 98.6 degrees. Therefore, this would mean that any deviation from this temperature would cause us to experience a level of uncomforability that is directly correlated to the degree of deviation (regardless of direction) from the norm, saavy?

Hot
( + ) Summer time, and the livin's easy. The warm, sandy beaches of the Jersey Shore are the first thing that comes to my mind. Plus, how good do you feel when you hear that someone thinks that you're "hott," with two T's. In addition, who better a person than Paris Hilton to be strutting around with Nicole Richie preaching the phrase, "That's hot?"

( - ) Hell: until it freezes over, the heating bill mailed to Satan on a monthly basis will most likely have him filing for Chapter 11 at any time now. While heat is a necessity for the continuation of life, too much of it can cause irritation of the skin, boils, and even death.

Cold
( + ) My dad taught me to ski when I was about 5 years old. Yet, if there was no such thing as 'cold,' this father-son bonding experience would have never been possible. Plus, ice cream would not exist. Public service announcement: 99% of restaurants give free refills on fountain sodas. Therefore, you don't need to request "no ice" because you're not saving any money you cheap bastard...

( - ) Ever heard of a little thing called 'hypothermia.' I think one of my biggest fears is falling through the ice on a pond and into the freezing waters below. Putting all phobias aside, I think that "cold's" biggest faux paz is Arnold Schwarzenegger as Mr. Freeze in the fourth Batman movie...completely inappropriate.

Conclusion
Only a fool could possibly ask which of the two are deserving of higher regard. Both have equal effects and consequences after a certain temperature is reached by the human body. Therefore, consider the following: eventually, you run out of clothes to take off if you are too hot. Yet, being too cold can always be alleviated by donning more clothing (or just drinking enough Jack Daniels).

Competitively, if you want to take this to a physical [science] level, picture an icicle hanging over a flame. Yes, the fire would melt the ice. Though by melting the ice, karma is served in the form of revenge when the icicles liquid remains fall upon the fire, ultimately putting it out.

I'm going to go ahead and declare this a "too close to call" situation...Court is adjourned.

The Simpsons vs. Family Guy

Once upon a time, a man named Matt Groening invented the Simpsons and America was quickly blown away. As the years rolled on, several other animated sitcoms hit primetime television. Beavis and Butthead "did" America, Ren and Stimpy played around with childish potty humor, and the kids of South Park made fun of Jesus, Terry Schiavo, Michael Jackson, as well as countless other controversial topics. Overall, the new era of animated sitcoms have all proven themselves to be habitual "line steppers" through the eyes of certain viewers, like moms who just aren't cool. Though nowadays, the phrase "funny as hell" is taken to a new level when you mix in a little thing called, "genius." Eventually, the sound of flatulence starts to seem "so fifteen years ago" and our educated, mature minds realize that its all about TV's two favorite suburban families of five (plus dog, sorry Brian): the Simpsons and the Griffins of Family Guy.

Family Guy
Leave it to the Fox Network to cancel one of the most hysterical shows on television. Luckily for America, the Griffins came back from the dead for a forth season. Though, if you want to fire Seth Green and the guy who draws Chris (the fat kid that looks kind of like a van), that would be terrific. Giggidy-giggidy...giggidy-goo.

The Simpsons
Currently the longest airing sitcom and animated series in the history of television, the Simpsons have gained the distinction of true royalty. King Homer and Queen Marge; imagine a tiarra atop Marge's big, blue, body-pillow -looking head of hair. In all seriousness though, how funny would it be if Barney magically came to life and...oh wait, he already has. He now appears on MTV's Viva La Bam and calls himself Don Vito.

Conclusion
I will always have unconditional respect and sincere appreciation for the Simpsons and the messages they have sent to the American viewers over the past sixteen years. I grew up with that show and it will always have a special place in my heart. Amazingly, it took a decade and half for any show to come remotely close to the Simpsons.

With this said, I must admit that I consider Family Guy the upgrade for the Simpsons. Family Guy has you laughing from start to finish because the frequency of jokes and one liners by the cast is astonishing. Furthermore, the writers of Family Guy focus on a diverse selection of material, from politics, celebrity gossip, current events, to other more "outlandish" satires and parodies. I know its hard to admit, but the fact of the matter is simple...Family Guy is funnier then the Simpsons (with all due respect).

Years of thanks to the Simpsons, whose name will forever fly through the animated sky. May it one day fly over the animated skies of Quahog, reminding us that we're all 'lucky there's a Family Guy.'

McDonald's vs. Burger King

You want to know what really sucks, the fact that the tastiest food in the world is also one of the worst things you can put into your body. I have a friend who used to be a vegan, which is basically a hardcore vegetarian. She wouldn't wear rubber-soled shoes and used to send me links to grotesque pictures, KentuckyFriedCruelty.com for example. It made me bitch slap her silly because she stole my blissful ignorance of the true physical (and chemical for that matter) makeup of McDonald's and Burger King products.

McDonald's
"Billions and billions served," is what it says below the golden arches outside of every McDonald's across the globe. Too bad that when they get to "trillions and trillions served," they're not even going to know about it because they got all lazy and just stopped counting. Also, now that I think about it, the McGriddles are highly underrated. There's nothing like an all-nighter, followed by McDonald's breakfast at 5am, lemme tell ya. In the clutch, the dollar menu always comes through solid. Finally, the best part of "Mickey D's" has got to be the Playplace. Seriously, go to McDonald's one day and eat inside. Then, take your shoes off and go fool around in the Playplace. So what if you're in your twenties; I'm sure you've done stupider shit by now.

Burger King
Home of the "flame-broiled" Whopper. They clearly advertise themselves as being healthier then their competitors, which largely helps the fight against America's obesity epidemic (hypothetically). With regards to the taste, I must say that I am a huge fan of the chicken tender value meal. Unfortunately, the new chicken fries are total crap. In addition, the marketing department must have been on drugs when they approved the return of "The King." The commercial preaches to "wake up with the King." All I know is that if I ever wake up, open my blinds, and see the King standing outside my window holding, what he appears to consider, some sort of sacred breakfast sandwich, I'll probably immediately experience a pretty decent heart attack.

Conclusion
When push comes to shove, everyone knows that Satan is obviously the true mastermind behind the invention of fast food. Think about it. A chicken nugget is the result of grinding up one of many mass produced and malnourished chickens. Not only that, but the toy you get in a typical kids meal is more likely then not made by a seven year-old living oversees, with an average production cost of about damn near next to nothing. Secretly, Ronald McDonald is actually a member of the Insane Clown Posse; the Ham Burglar was the actor who played "Wilson" on ABC's Home Improvement; and the King was apparently in over 200 pornographic films throughout the 1970's.

In the end, the main variable in the equation for deciding which brand is better is obviously the taste quality. Maybe its the whole "flame broiled" thing, but I never crave Burger King. McDonald's on the other hand just has something about it. This is because McDonald's hides all of it's scandals, lies, and exploitations with one controlling substance more powerful than any other drug in the world. I'm talking about the secret sauce. The secret sauce is probably mass produced in an underground lair by a highly specialized team of witches, wizards, and Emeril Lagasse (just to take things up a notch).

At this time, I would like to observe a moment of silence in remembrance of not only the Arch Deluxe, but also the McRib. My next supersized value meal goes out to you. I'm lovin' it.

Happy Holidays vs. Happy Birthdays

I can't help but sympathize for those people born roughly between December 20 and January 1. These people are the unfortunate victims of a gift-giving scam. Certain people out there feel that it is an acceptable practice to give just one gift and call it even. I know it must sound like something from and episode of Seinfeld, but its so true. Good thing I'm born in the summer.

Right now I challenge you to sit back, think about it, and formulate a solid view on this topic of one-way conversation: between Happy Birthday and Happy Holidays, which "Happy" is truly the happier of the two and why?

Happy Birthday
( + ) It's all you my friend, your day. You get presents, you get to pick where you go out to dinner, and best of all, you get to use that whole "but it's my birthday" bullshit excuse all day to get whatever you want. My question to you is this: how good is cake. That's right, a period after cake, because its not even a question.

( - ) After recently turning 22, I realized something latently depressing. I have no more birthdays to look forward too. Oh yea, except when I turn 25. My plan is to get a rental car on that day. Renting a car is so much more exciting then the day I turned 21 and took 21 shots.

Happy Holidays
( + ) Yankee Candles confirm to me that scent is the closest sense tied to memory. My mom has those gi-normous bottles of wax with fifty-two wicks all burning at the same time in half of the rooms in my house, its insane. Mom's make the best cookies too. Best part of the holidays is that everyone is off work. Let's all drink eggnog in wool sweaters and open presents.

( - ) Santa Clause isn't real; biggest upset of all time. I cannot drive my car in the snow, therefore snow is now a bad thing. Plus the whole gift giving thing was clearly thought up by Alan Greenspan to stimulate the economy. Undeniably, there is a clear conflict of politics regarding the whole Christmas, Channakuh (or however the hell you want us to spell it), Kwanzaa, and whatever else is out there, ...thing. Finally, the worst part of the holidays is the television commercials. Eventually I end up wanting to take the harder side of my hand and introduce it to the softer side of Sears.

Conclusion
Before I announce the winner, I must say that it was an extremely close decision. I wish I could just write the two 'happy' events on a sheet of paper and pick one out of a hat. Unfortunately I don't have a pen, and I don't have any paper. I do have a hat, but without the other two, that item is obvioulsly irrelevant.

First of all, the fact that you get presents on your birthday, as well during the holidays, does in no way cancel out the whole gift aspect of the equation. During the holidays, you essentially break-even if you are an avid follower of the common gift-giving practice of reciprocation. The worst part about the reciprocation issue is how it is fueled by guilt. Finally, to be completely frank, its not about the thought. Stop saying "it's the thought that counts," while at the same time shaking the money out of a Hallmark card from your Grandma without even opening it.

Basically, my decision has to be based on what I've seen already. The "season to be jolly" is definitely "the most wonderful time of the year." But unfortunately, I have to feel a little bitter about all of the deceitful lies that takes place during the holidays. If I have kids, I hope to God that the whole Santa Clause theatrics are wiped out of society. No mythical, toy-company CEO in a red suit and suspenders is taking credit for my generosity.

I'm sure that the birthdays I have ahead of me will eventually become so depressing that I won't even have the lung capacity to blow out a cake full of candles. Fortunately, I live for today and the things I've learned in the past. The older you get, the wiser-er you become. To sum up my view on birthdays, I give you a little advice for those yet to turn 21: the trick is to eat an entire Subway sub and drink a gallon of water. Start at 4pm and pace yourself all the way up until midnight. Give someone a pen and have them keep a tally on your arm so you can keep track of how many you've already taken. It's not as hard as it seems.

As for my view on which "Happy" is in fact the happiest of the happys, I have decided that even though my birthdays of the past have been amazing, I must admit that even though I don't believe its the thought that counts, I am a sucker for the notion that it's better to give than to receive. I get it from my Dad, the worlds most abstract gift-wrapper and holiday-card connoisseur. I basically live everyday like the Happy Holidays. I love spending my earnings on a good time for me and my present company, regardless of the cost. That is unless I'm broke.

In closing, consider this. Whether written on a list addressed to Santa or pondered briefly before blowing out the candles, a wish is a wish no matter how you look at it.